First-date nerves: what helps before and during

Almost everyone is nervous before a first date, including the person you're meeting. Nerves aren't a sign it'll go badly; they're a sign you'd like it to go well. The aim isn't to feel nothing. It's to stop the nerves making decisions for you.

First-date nerves are the ordinary mix of excitement and worry before meeting someone new: a racing heart, a churning stomach, rehearsing conversations in your head. They usually peak just before you walk in and drop sharply once you've said hello.

Why first dates feel so nerve-racking

First dates stack up several things people find stressful at once: meeting a stranger, being looked at, not knowing the venue, and caring about the outcome. Online dating adds one more: wondering whether the person will look like their photos. Each of these can be shrunk with a bit of planning, which is what most of this guide is about.

The day before

Pick a place you know. Familiar ground removes a whole layer of worry: where to go in, where to sit, where the toilets are. If you can't, look at the venue's website and a map so you can picture it. Our London date ideas give the nearest station for every pick.

Plan the journey both ways. Know your route, how long it takes and your last train or bus home. Our safety page has the full checklist.

Confirm the plan. A short message the day before settles the "is this still happening?" worry for both of you.

Example: "Still on for 7 tomorrow at the café by the station? Looking forward to it."

Choose what to wear tonight, not tomorrow. Something you've worn before and feel like yourself in. A first date isn't the time to break in new shoes.

Keep the plan short. An hour or two with the option to carry on is far less daunting than a whole evening. Quiet, low-pressure places help: see date ideas for introverts and casual date ideas.

Settle the bill question in your head. Decide whether you'll offer to split or get the first round, so you're not improvising when the bill arrives. Our guide to who pays on a first date has the lines.

Tell a friend. Who, where and when. Partly for safety, partly because you'll have someone to tell how it went.

If you're worried they won't look like their photos

This is a very common, very reasonable worry with online dating. Two things help. First, a five-minute video call before you meet confirms the face and the voice, and it takes the "first impression" pressure off the date itself. Second, know what any badge on their profile means: our guide to dating ID verification explains what an ID check proves and what it doesn't.

On the day

Eat something. Nerves plus an empty stomach plus a drink is a bad combination.

Go easy on caffeine. A double espresso on top of adrenaline doesn't calm anyone.

Give yourself a buffer. Leave early enough to arrive five minutes before the time. Rushing in late and flustered is the quickest way to make nerves worse; arriving half an hour early just gives you longer to stew.

Do something absorbing beforehand. A walk, the gym, a podcast, a call with a friend. Sitting at home rehearsing conversations doesn't help.

Slow your breathing on the way. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, out through your mouth for a count of six, and repeat a few times. Making the out-breath longer than the in-breath is a simple way to steady yourself, and nobody on the bus will notice.

In the first ten minutes

The first few minutes are the hardest, and they're over quickly.

• Arrive a little early and get settled, so you're not scanning a crowded room.
• Say hello and say you're glad they came. Simple warmth beats a clever opener.
• Get a drink or a coffee first. Ordering gives you both something to do with your hands and a minute to adjust.
• Ask about something from their profile. You already have material; use it.

Things to say when your mind goes blank

Having a few questions ready is not cheating. These are examples; swap in whatever fits the person.

• "What's the best thing you've done in the last month?"
• "How did you end up living round here?"
• "You said you're into climbing. How did that start?"
• "What would you be doing tonight if you weren't here?"

Then follow up on the answer. "What got you into that?" and "What was that like?" will carry most conversations further than any prepared anecdote.

What helps and what backfires

During the date

Ask, then listen. People who ask good follow-up questions come across as interesting, because they're interested.

Let pauses happen. A few seconds of quiet feels like a minute to you and like nothing to them. If you need a restart, comment on something around you or pick up a thread from earlier.

You don't have to perform. You're not only being assessed; you're assessing them too. Are they kind to staff? Do they ask about you?

If you're drinking, pace it. Alternate with water. A clear head helps you judge both the person and the journey home. If you'd rather skip it, our alcohol-free date ideas are built for that.

Admitting nerves is fine. "I'm a bit nervous, I don't do this much" is honest and usually makes the other person relax too.

If you want to leave

You can end any date whenever you like, and you don't need an excuse. A polite, simple line works:

Example: "It's been nice to meet you, but I'm going to head off now. Thanks for coming out."

If you feel unsafe, tell the staff, go somewhere busy and call 999 in an emergency. If you can't speak on a 999 call from a mobile, stay on the line and press 55 when prompted so the call is put through to the police.

Afterwards

Whatever happened, give yourself some credit: you went. If you'd like to see them again, our guide on what to send after a first date covers when and what.

If anxiety is stopping you dating at all, or spilling into sleep, work or friendships, talking to your GP is a sensible step. In England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety.